THE FLYING T-BONE BADGER ATTACK

Christmas Card

2010-12-29T16:12:00.001-05:00

O Mod Tannenbaum Christmas

Create unique Christmas cards with Shutterfly.

View the entire collection of cards.

Does it really need a title?

2010-08-14T00:46:00.001-04:00

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.1

Flash to 9th grade social studies.

2010-08-14T00:45:00.001-04:00

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.1

mmmm meatballs.

2010-08-14T00:44:00.001-04:00

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.1

Hilarious

2010-08-11T11:11:00.000-04:00

Littlest kid loves to vacuum. I sprinkle baking soda on couch and give him the vacuum attachment, his job is to get all the white stuff up (we've done this plenty of times without incident). Turn on stereo and leave the room. (Forgetting to take huge economy bag of baking soda with me. Come back in the room to The Roots, playing much more loudly than when I left, a "smoke" filled room, a pile of baking soda and kids cackling like little o.g.s while using the vacuum to blow it all into the air and over each other. It's a good day.

Keeping it in Perspective

2010-08-04T11:44:00.000-04:00

Approximately an hour prior to this conversation we discussed, loudly, that he didn't need to watch a movie just because it was raining. I had meant (at that time, several weeks ago) it is nice to have movie days when it raining outside and too wet to play.
Me: I'm not mad right now, I just need you to clean it up. Leaving the water all over the kitchen and hiding is the problem. One of us could really have hurt ourselves.
A: Okay Mama.
Me: You need a lot of towels.
A: I can't find any.
Me: Here are some from the bathroom.
You need to do the whole floor please. Don't forget over here on the other side of the stove.
A: Okay.
Me: Augustus, the problem here is that when I came through the kitchen I was walking very quickly. I fell & I could have hurt my leg or foot really badly.
A: mmmmmhhhhmmm
Me: Augustus look at me. If your or my foot was hurt really bad, we couldn't walk on it and we'd have to do things all day that were sitting down. No dog walks, no tag, no park, no trampoline, no bowling.
Augie: Ohhh .... for a bit of a long time?
Me: Yip
A: I bet I'd get to watch me some tv then, sheesh.
The last part was said with a touch of Clay Davis.

2010-07-31T21:40:00.001-04:00

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.9

Holy Caped Crusader Batman

2010-07-31T20:13:00.001-04:00

The kid just asked me why the sonar on the Bat Boat wouldn't detect the Penguin's submarine approaching. Holy Long John Silver, I give up on improvising stories and I'm sticking to reading out of books.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.9

He's Bilingual

2010-07-20T16:11:00.000-04:00

Putting on sir's shoes. Him: "Right Foot" Me: Raised eyebrow. "I mean left. I just saying it in Spanish Mama."

A. J. Jacobs

2010-07-18T09:28:00.000-04:00

My favorite sentence I've read this week. "I am officially Jewish, but I'm Jewish in the same way the Olive Garden is an Italian restaurant." So been there.

The Force has been Misplaced

2010-06-26T15:49:00.000-04:00

"Hey mama, why are we the only ones looking for the remote?" Whoa nelly, he. did. not.
"Well my heart, because
- I just spent twenty minutes looking for it.
-you're the ones who want to watch tv.
-I'm not the one who watched tv yesterday with it.
-I'm being super cool to let you watch at all.
-I just gave you bubble gum and put chocolate in your trail mix.
-You made me miss my cycling class this morning.
-You aren't appreciative when I DO find your things for you.
-You already said that you were using it as a spaceship this morning.
and
-I pushed for three of my twelve hours."
Sheet.

The Dude

2010-06-09T11:05:00.002-04:00

He's Brilliantly Bad

2010-06-09T10:59:00.000-04:00

A: Mama, come play with me upstairs?
M: Love to buddy. Did you pick up your toys yet, so that we have room to play?
A: Yep.
M: Are you sure?
A: Yep.
M: All clean?
A: Yep.
M: Do you want to go double check before I come up so you don't get in trouble for lying?
A: That's a great idea.
......
A: (from top of stairs) Mama, Goldilocks played with my toys and left them all out. You should clean it for her.

So Beautiful.

2010-05-23T16:59:00.000-04:00

Lookie Lookie.
http://www.artchic.com/burlet/index.htm

Field Tripping to the Hard Bargain Farm

2010-05-21T17:36:00.000-04:00

Okay, I count myself as so very lucky to have been able to attend almost every one of Jackson's field trips this year. It was so cute when they assigned me my group to watch and J got a touch pissy when I held another kid's hand too long and beam pride when someone said I was 'so cool'. The novelty has worn off and the honeymoon of stay-at-home-mom land is over. He asked me "not to talk quite so much [to him] if you don't mind" and "I can't sit next to Brody on the bus because I have to take care of you" and "Mama, since when is it funny to pretend you got stuck in the cow gate and turned into a hamburger" and "Ha ha Mom, I hope no one's mother actually died under a falling tree because you're gonna feel pretty dumb."

I don't really mean HATE hate but

2010-04-01T09:53:00.002-04:00

I hate April Fools media pranks. It was all well and good when WHFS started playing classical and announced a format change as an April Fools joke but it has gone completely overboard. It has taken me 15 minutes to figure out what the hell is really happening. I haven't had coffee yet because I don't know what's real anymore for the love of God. Is it really going to be 76 and sunny? That being said this one was pretty rad.

http://www.wunderground.com/blog/JeffMasters/comment.html?

Craftastrophe

2010-03-29T20:39:00.004-04:00

Enjoy a stroll through this rad website.

http://craftastrophe.net/

Bedtime Stories

2010-03-29T20:24:00.002-04:00

I'm listening to Patrick read bedtime stories to my first born child. I wonder if Jackson realizes that if he corrects Patrick one more time as to how to pronounce metachlorine he will be sleeping on the dark side and he will have a Jedi foot up his ass.

Drama Queen

2010-03-28T22:15:00.001-04:00

Me: "Didn't I tell you? Shannon's having a girl!" My 6 year old: "At least someone is giving me what I ask for. From you I just got him." (Dirty look thrown across the room towards little brother.)

Jackson: "Mama, I think everyone should be a chicken for a day."

Office at St. Phillips Church: "Jackson's stomach is really upset and he's having sharp pains. Can you pick him up early from CCD?"
Jackson walks in the door: "Whew, it's a good thing that didn't last too long right Mama? You want to play baseball in the yard or should I ask Dad?"

Lady in the thrift store: "You're really smart Jax you must be the smartest kid in your class." Jackson: "Not really, we're pretty much all really smart." Lady: "That's a really good answer." Jackson: "Would be kind of stupid to say it any other way."

Augie: "Can I sleep in Jackson's room?" Jackson: "Are you going to answer him Mama?" Me: "Well it's up to you baby, it's your room. It's Spring Break and there's no school tomorrow so I'm not really enforcing many rules tonight." Jackson: "I don't have school tomorrow and Mom said no rules Dad so why can't I play my DS? Patrick: "Well, if Mom says it's OK, I guess." Jackson (clutching his Dad's waist in a full body embrace): "Dad, you're the best Dad ever and I love you so much." Patrick: "Jackson it was really your Mom." Jackson (still hugging Patrick tightly): "Yeah OK thanks I guess Ma."
I am donkey piss and he is a drama queen.

I think my 2 year old may be out to get me.

2010-03-23T09:24:00.002-04:00

This morning I got out the dog's happy pills, noticed I only had three left. Gave him his pill but left the bottle out to refill the prescription. Went into the office to look up vet's number and came back to find an open bottle and no pills ande Augie sitting quietly on his chair looking at me all crazy like. Where did you put the medicine Augie? (Who is really good about not taking any medicine since eating charcoal in the ER a year ago.) He slowly pointed to my coffee, which had been dosed with two 85 lb poodle doses of paxal. Have you seen family guy? Is it my imagination?

Top Ten Reasons to Freeze Out Those Closest to You

2010-03-22T19:56:00.002-04:00

In parents' defense, if you are distant, overly susceptible to criticism, your feelings are easily hurt and unapproachable, your kids will never:
1. tell you who really drew on the wall
2. tell you that you're fat
3. question everything you ever say from breakfast to bedtime
4. ask why their penis gets big in the morning
5. want to include you in the operation on the dog
6. tell you your cooking is "sub-par"
7. ask how John Lennon died
8. scream climax in the middle of Trader Joes
9. ask what kind of priest Al Green is
10. ask if he's a doozer or a fraggle
Life does sound a bit easier.

Just heard a forecast for fucking snow

2010-02-24T10:56:00.000-05:00

There is not enough hot chocolate in the world for me to be ok with this.

Why Being a Mom is the Best Thing Ever

2010-02-24T10:53:00.002-05:00

Jackson: "Hey Mom guess what I did today! You know how I'm so fast and I do things really fast like faster than anybody else but I usually do it wrong? Well you may not have noticed, but I do. I made a chart really fast and got it all right! No backwards numbers or anything, I can't wait for you to see it." Me: Melt

It's Kings Day and I'm 35

2010-01-06T21:07:00.003-05:00

Once a year we celebrate with stupid hats and plastic plates, the fact that you were able to make another trip around the sun, and the whole clan gathers round, and gifts and laughter do abound, and we let out a joyful sound and sing that stupid song. Happy birthday now you're one year older. Happy birthday your life still isn't over. Happy birthday you did not accomplish much but you didn't die this year I guess that's good enough. So let's drink to your fading health and hope you don't remind yourself the chance of finding fame and wealth decrease with every year.

The Arrogant Worms

Used to get blah as my birthday approached. I thought of what I hadn't contributed or the number of people who weren't affected by me. Once I had amazing kids I knew I'd given something back and getting old wasn't anything, This year, though, I keep seeing my Grandma's hands and lines around my mouth, my Mom's double chin, I can't lose weight by kicking the beer for a month and the arthritis feels like bruising in my joints because I live in the cold uptight beltway badlands. The day has come and gone and with the clarity it brought I see that I finally have my Grandma's weathered hands! The cotton picking, telephone switching, pea shelling, corn shucking, sock darning, shirt starching, shrimp deveining, back rubbing, knee patting hands that knew so much. I can't wait to see what I get next year. Happy birthday to me.

School Pictures are Here!!

2009-12-18T22:45:00.000-05:00

Well it seems like only yesterday that I gave birth to my first born son and spent all night smelling his breath while listening to revelry outside my Touro window. And now in just a blink of an eye I'm receiving the first of 12 awkward pictures that make a stunning little boy look pained, weird and dosed. Thank you Lifetouch school picture people for pulling it off like a band-aid.

The Shit on Shit

2009-12-04T19:09:00.001-05:00

"You wanna hear something cool mom?" I should automatically say no to this. "I was sitting on the toilet and I didn't know I had a piece of poo left in my bottom and I sneezed and it flew out! It really flew there was a splash and everything!"
Pride.
On a similar note, have any of you managed to teach your child to wipe his bottom thoroughly? If so, I'd like to get a piece of that non skid mark parenting.

Well, there you go

2009-11-25T09:01:00.000-05:00

Now, if I can only perfect the art of non-perfect parenting.
http://blogs.babble.com/strollerderby/2009/11/23/parents-time-to-land-the-helicopters/

He says the funniest shit and I write it down.

2009-11-21T08:39:00.002-05:00

"My brain is the big boss and he is telling me I need to watch tv and that it will not make him mushy." - Jackson

A Quick JE

2009-11-20T17:02:00.003-05:00

Jackie boy, here's your snack, give me five minutes to finish what I'm doing and when your done with your snack I want to hear about outdoor classroom today.
Is this the only kind of yogurt I can have?
Baby, can you give me 5 minutes of quiet time so that I can finish writing?
Sure, when you're done can you make me a paper airplane?
Of course my heart, just give me a second to wrap this up.
Okay [STOP] did you use my treasure map today because it's on the stairs?
No baby, you had it there this morning when you and your brother were playing . . . give me a second.
You know I think I need to make two airplanes actually so that you can fly one and I can fly one when you're done. . . .[no answer] . . .Mom let me just show you one thing, Mom, can you hear me? Mama.
Jackson, please.
Sorry mama. [STOP] Can I have something else to eat?
Go get an apple.
[Disappears into the kitchen for 8 - 12 seconds] What kind of apples are these?
Macintosh.
I'm going to the bathroom.
Okay Jackson.
I thought you were going to get strawberry apples this time.
Wash your hands with soap Jackson.
What kind of apples are these?
Macintosh Jackson. Go rinse it under the faucet before you eat it.
I don't want to.
[Evil Mama look]
Okay. Are you going to make me a paper airplane?
[I, Mama, give my first born child the finger behind his back as he walks into the kitchen to get the construction paper.]
Are you hearing me Mama? MAMA.
[Napping baby from other room] . . Mama?

A Tentative Theoretical Rough Draft Christmas List

2009-11-17T20:33:00.000-05:00

"Mama, I want a phone that makes pudding and you can eat it whenever you want to. It would have an antenna that could shoot candy out and . . . . I mean you could eat it whenever your Mom says it's ok. You think a man like Santa could hook that up? I want a light saver that turns every color like blue, green, red, purple and orange. I want a mummy that's a rock star. I want a airplane that can take me to Africa and I want a camel."

My plan was to open the lines of Christmas communication and start the whole 'hey, how cool it would be for the big man to deliver a wii', thing. Instead I got a couple chuckles.

Self Doubting Bitch

2009-11-16T13:59:00.000-05:00

Please just go ahead and scroll past this post right now. Because I plan to whine, and not even eloquently. So I want to be able to break dance. I want to not be addicted to Google Reader. I want to not miss being a smoker. I want blond cork-screw curls. I want to be comfortable sharing with the pick a little talk a little women, that I am surrounding myself with all of a fucking sudden, that I don't care if they think I'm a good parent, neighbor, wife, reader, movie-goer or person. Oh, and I'd like to mean it. I want to have had a great childhood and some vague example of what I'd like to be to my boys. I want to have known a smidge about myself before my 25th birthday. I want to not be in constant competition with my mother. I want a hard body. I want to save my kids from the intensive life that I fear Northern Virginia could have planned for them. I want to say over-crowded; caged; never see the light of day; nailed to the spot; like a Norwegian Blue only not quite dead instead of intensive. Wow, am I really that much of a smug morally superior bully? Bully, yes. Smug and morally superior, I am today. I'm lovely, I should be medicated. Well, medicated better.

Michael Shannon, Colin Meloy, Dr. Horrible and Tina Fey

2009-11-09T21:07:00.001-05:00

Tonight I will commence rambling regarding random ridiculous information that has given me pleasure recently.

So how great was Micheal Shannon in Revolutionary Road? Right. Look where he's turning up next. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans. Maybe his awesome will be enough to counteract the fact that Nicholas Cage is in it. We'll see. He's also doing something called My Son, My Son with David Lynch and William Defoe though. Promising.

How awesome are mustaches? I don't have an overwhelming desire for Patrick to have one more than Mardi Gras and Halloween and yet I am still fascinated from a distance and dude, tell me Patrick doesn't ROCK the mustache when he needs to.

10 Literary Moustaches for Movember. Genius.
Colin Meloy from the Decemberists wrote a children's book. Colin Meloy and Carson Ellis Have Written a Children's Book.
There's going to be a Dr. Horrible comic. The Origin of Dr. Horrible
. . . . and finally, I LOVE THIS. Tina Fey's Favorite 30 Rock Jokes

Order Embryonic and receive a link to download the album track "Convinced of the Hex" immediately after check-out!

2009-11-07T21:39:00.000-05:00

The Flaming Lips: Embryonic: CD

The Flaming Lips have released what some are calling the most ambitious record of their career.
Is spacey and gooey and rhythmic and heavy and engorged and perfect.

2009-11-07T15:18:00.000-05:00

How about this for the very very cool christmas present?
The Zippie by GuyIcognito

My Corner Boy

2009-11-05T01:34:00.001-05:00

Augustus seems to have become familiar with the idea that if you are not in possession of something when caught, you can't get in trouble. For the last three days, when he has something he shouldn't and we make eye contact he throws the offending item and runs. An open bottle of baby powder, a box of granola, a cup of dog food. Battery acid or firearms are surely just around the way.

Riding Giants

2009-11-04T11:50:00.004-05:00

We have had a beautiful morning playing in the leaves. Allow me to interpret. I had a beautiful morning playing in the leaves while Augie tried to run over the dog with a toy lawn mower. I had a beautiful cup of coffee listening to the birds and enjoying the crisp air while Augustus turned his helmet backwards to blind himself and and ran spastically into things cackling like a maniac. I had a beautiful time trying to talk him into wrestling me or doing forward rolls into the piles while he headbutted the dog. My youngest son and I, it's magical. He missed his gymnastics this week and my sensory seeking low tone child is a bundle of piss and vinegar. He has now slowed down to a brisk runl and is almost watching Riding Giants. Which is, with Yo Gabba Gabba and Sesame Street, the only thing that can capture his attention briefly on this annoying contraption they call television. However, through this technology I have made time to post a quick recap and pour a cup of coffee and . . . . . .shit, gotta go.

A love affair

2009-11-03T14:45:00.004-05:00

Coffee, I love you unconditionally. You can be chicory, french roast, percolated, auto dripped, flavored, brazilian, costa rican or truck stop, just please don't be weak.

Charlie Brown

2009-11-02T23:35:00.005-05:00

After 25 minutes of discussion, I folded. "Yes Jackson, I guess Charlie and Sally Brown are orphans." "Yes Jackson, that's would make his life a little difficult." "No Jackson, I don't think Lucy would let him kick the football if she knew he didn't have a mother."

One more Etsy Shoutout: Free gift W $50 purchase~♥~UNIQUE CLOTHING By POPPY

2009-11-02T23:25:00.000-05:00

If I had a million dollars I would buy everything she makes and now she's giving stuff away. Really.

Poppys Wicked Garden

2009-11-02T23:20:00.000-05:00

Monika makes these wonderful mobiles. I bought the mosquito for myself along with several baby gifts and Movamp the Mosquito has acquired a home in the family room as opposed to the baby's room. Check her out, they're awesome.

Wooden Mobile Toy by Flyingzoo

2009-11-02T22:56:00.000-05:00

Doesn't he look like a gentle soul? Well, he's not.

2009-11-02T22:55:00.001-05:00

Can't find a better man.

I look so relaxed, maybe we were drunk.

2009-11-02T22:52:00.002-05:00

My Morning Jacket Covers Rocket Man

2009-11-02T22:45:00.000-05:00

My Morning Jacket Cover Rocket Man

Streaming Music

2009-11-02T22:43:00.002-05:00

Streaming Radiohead

Streaming Music

2009-11-02T22:42:00.001-05:00

Streaming Wilco

The Mustache

2009-11-02T22:41:00.002-05:00

Top 10 Hard Rock Mustaches

Sunday November 1, 2009: Run on sentence

2009-11-02T21:54:00.000-05:00

Okay so I get it. If you live in most places and probably everywhere else too, and another woman, who happens to be a mother too, who happens to be approximately your age, who happens to live in your neighborhood, at any time says “we’re very different” it is an insult and she thinks you’re a bad parent and you should probably go ahead and hit her when your kids aren’t looking. Just fyi.